Life's Little Pity Parties

I spent the last few days in total shut down mode. I can’t believe how excited I was Friday afternoon and how fast everything went to poo. I don’t deal well with abandonment, real or presumed and my guy friend’s actions Friday night sent me on a spiraling pity party thrown by me, for me, with just me in attendance. I did manage to bake some amazing cookies (thank you, michelledicken.wordpress.com), and those cookies were instrumental in my next 36 hours of binge eating. God, I feel fat!

So why did I do this to myself? Why did I slip down the slippery slope of self-loathing and straight into self-inflicted damage? Although I’ll work the food off I ate through an increased amount of exercise and starvation this week, why didn’t I “cowboy up”, show that stiff upper lip and carry on?

I ask this question of myself anytime I fall into despair. I do this more often than I would like and almost nearly always over situations that are less that catastrophic. I know I have a problem with everything fitting into my world. I know things change and I should be able to adapt as most other people do. I cannot. How is it I can KNOW these things but can’t DO these things?

I do feel a little bit better today. Off to my first class. I hope everyone has smiles throughout:-)

What's a Girl to do?

Yesterday afternoon and into last night I traveled five and a half hours through a winter storm just to see  this guy friend of mine. I came because of a provocative text he sent me, he's that good. So when I get to his apartment he's all throwing down with a bunch of buddies and some other chicks. He was happy to see me, but it was like I was an after thought. I don't normally drink, only on special occasions and last night wasn't one of them, so I went to sleep around midnight back in his room. Sometime around three he came to bed all drunk and wanted to fool around. I kicked him in the balls and went to sleep on the couch.

He was pissed! After he collected him self off the floor he came out in the living room screaming how I was a stupid bitch and what the fuck was I doing. He kicked me out of his place and I had to go find a motel room for the night. Now I am planning to drive back through the aftermath of that winter storm. This trip essentially amounted to me wasting time just to be embarrassed and treated like poop. I feel like complete and utter doggy doo right now, lower than low. And writing this doesn't seem to be so therapeutic.