I spent the last few days in total shut down mode. I can’t
believe how excited I was Friday afternoon and how fast everything went to poo. I
don’t deal well with abandonment, real or presumed and my guy friend’s actions
Friday night sent me on a spiraling pity party thrown by me, for me, with just
me in attendance. I did manage to bake some amazing cookies (thank you,
michelledicken.wordpress.com), and those cookies were instrumental in my next
36 hours of binge eating. God, I feel fat!
So why did I do this to myself? Why did I slip down the
slippery slope of self-loathing and straight into self-inflicted damage?
Although I’ll work the food off I ate through an increased amount of exercise
and starvation this week, why didn’t I “cowboy up”, show that stiff upper lip
and carry on?
I ask this question of myself anytime I fall into despair. I
do this more often than I would like and almost nearly always over situations
that are less that catastrophic. I know I have a problem with everything
fitting into my world. I know things change and I should be able to adapt as
most other people do. I cannot. How is it I can KNOW these things but can’t DO
these things?
I do feel a little bit better today. Off to my first class. I hope
everyone has smiles throughout:-)
